No beginning, no end, again and again

Everyday I think real hard about what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life. It may seem stupid, and maybe it is, but I think about it just the same. I think about how this job should eventually reach one of two ends: Either its going to reel me in for the long haul out of complacency, or be a springboard toward bigger and better things. "I taught in Japan for X years" looks great on a resume and all, but if I ever expect to find work back in the states I'll need more schooling first. Having this job under my belt won't make me any more or less eligible to manage a Starbucks, I'm afraid.

Might as well face the facts: An English Bachelors' Degree doesn't carry much weight at all in America. It might get me into a cushy and worthless state job (where I don't want to be) but that's about it. And that's not to say I loathe the idea of Graduate School - I really miss the academic world in fact. Something just seems to be odd in my life when I don't have homework, and I have to make my own reading lists. And even though I'm technically teaching now, it's not always how shall I say "intellectually stimulating." Sometimes it's trite, repetitive and boring. So this all begs the question: why not?

There are several reasons why I'm not taking the plunge: I have been schooling non-stop since Kindergarten, I'm not crazy about getting into debt and I don't know what I want to go for. The biggest qualm is really the last one - What do I want to do for the rest of my life? My current employment is great because it varies so much: I get to teach university students, adults, pre-teens and junior high kids, I get to teach private lessons and larger groups. Going to Grad School for something like American Literary Studies is appealing in some ways, and dreadful in others. Dissertations aside, I would be committing myself rather exclusively to some kind of Professorship. And while this is somewhat desirable, I don't feel myself leaning so far in that direction, at least not yet. Here's a brief list of Graduate school focuses I've pondered:

-Japanese Language, History and Culture - pick one out of a hat and roll with it.

-A focus in Classical American Literature - I enjoy Hawthorne and Faulkner and all that.

-Education - Great for the ultimate goal of *shudder* Teaching. In. Public. Schools. (suddenly Starbucks sounds mighty appealing)

-Children's Education - Let's face it, they are the future. They are also fun at times, and as far as my experience goes they seem to want to learn more genuinely than most of us adults.

-Education and Administration - if this even exists. I would make a righteous Principal.

-Philosophy - probably not going to happen, but it seems strangely tempting. I do like to discuss shit that no one can ever possibly know.

But like a ball of indecisive goo, I can't pick one I like enough, not yet. Lucky for me this decision isn't staring me in the face, but it looms, oh how it looms. I've always been a hyperbolically forward thinker, so this is nothing new, but it is the rest of my life we're talking about here.

And on different days I feel swayed toward different paths. Today for example, I had an amazing kids class. The kids were so well behaved, enjoyed all the games and activities I presented, and really seem to like learning. They made me laugh and vice versa. When I showed them their homework they wanted to start it then and there, not wait until they got home. My Junior High class later that night was also fun, as we played custom Tic-Tac-Toe out of "things you like," which was a mix of Disney characters for the girls and video game consoles and weapons for the boys.

I might have more in common with Japanese adolescents than the entire human race.

Come what may, the quest continues. I am gaining valuable experience now and am definitely not standing still, I just want a better grasp of where I'm going. I do feel like my dream job would be teaching at a University, the kinds of classes I want to teach, like creative writing or literary studies, something people could really sink their teeth into and maybe even enjoy. Only one question remains: what country is that going to be in?


"Everyone's afraid of their own lives If you could be anything you want I bet you 'd be disappointed, am I right?" - Modest Mouse

"We are fixtures... barely passing as living human beings. Wake up wake up, we're losing everything... Do we really want to face reality?" - Achilles