Home, home on the strange

Details, they can wait. You want to know what it was like to come back home? First, it was bewildering. Everything was bigger, people were louder (and statistically physically bigger as well), ethnic diversity exponentially increased, attitudes and cultures changed around me in a space of 14 hours. Instead of greeting me with a smile and a bow, I get a bored stair and almost no verbal response from the cashier when I go to buy a drink. Walking into Newark Airport this December is surely an experience I will never forget. After being disoriented the first night, I went through a quick "honeymoon stage:" two days of elation followed by a huge drop into confusion. Why did I leave, why did I come back? After about 5 days I was on an even keel again, once again acclimated to my home country. Do these symptoms sound familiar? They happened once before, and that's when I first found myself in Japan.

Culture shock, or in this case counter-culture shock, is real. I can say this having experienced it from both sides myself. I liken it to waking up every day to an alarm clock. When you look at the alarm clock's lights, making up its digital display, each is red, except one which is yellow. This repeats for a long time. Then one day, to your astonishment, all lights are yellow except one which is now red! Logically you can make sense out of it, but your brain has trouble reacting to this kind of immense change all at once. Take that feeling and times it by a zillion, and you have culture shock. Maybe that's why, (excluding safety and tradition) people used to live in the same towns their entire lives, live and die there as would their children and their children's children. The world has certainly changed since 1000 years before I was born.

Details, details. There is a lot to say. You word hungry blog-readers will be satisfied soon if you are interested in a detailed account of what I did with my Christmas Vacation. To summarize for the present, it was great. I've seen my hometown with new eyes, and can go back to Japan with much better perspective than I had. It was amazing seeing my friends and family after what felt like a very long absence. I missed authentic New York-style Pizza. Now the clock is ticking down, only mere days remain until I'll be thrown right back into the Tokyo Rat Race. I have a six-day work week to look forward to, starting 24 hours after I land. Should be fun. I'll make time to write too.

New Years Resolutions? Set higher goals for physical fitness, acquire some kind of extra work using Japanese with the credentials I think I'm getting from the test I think I passed (by the skin of my teeth).

Secrets of time

or should I say secrets and time? We live our lives based on the clock, yielding to father time's inexhaustible might. I now hold several secrets that would make for exquisite blogging material, yet can't let out the spoilers for fear of those who may read before Christmas. Looks like this post will be shrouded in mystery.

Remember that test, the one I was studying for for, oh I dunno about 6 months and stressing over for so long? I think I passed it. I have a hunch anyway, and if I failed it then it had to be by an obscenely minute margin. So I must have passed. Yes. Nothing to do but try to forget about it anyway, I won't get the results until mid-February. =/

I also need to send a letter in this week to make sure that the JLPT Association doesn't make out any certification to Benjamin. Le Roy Belcher. Yes, they put a period in my name. Yes, I probably accidentally made a mark when filling out the application form. Yes, it's a pain and a hassle, especially when I'm so busy! Packing, banging out a last week of work, blah blah grumble grumble...

4 days from now I'll be somewhere in the sky. That's a strangely reassuring thought. There's a new movie coming out which I may see when I'm back home called "Up in the Air" which deals with the idea of living in the surreal world of flying, where we are truly alone with ourselves and a hundred other strangers. People get really reflect during these kinds of travels, I for one have undoubtedly always enjoyed them. Sometimes more than when I get to the destination itself, but that won't be this time of course.

My bag is full of things that should make people I know smile. I bounce between vehement anti-capitalist and completely giving in to the beast, as I abstain from unnecessary shopping most of the year but fall into a vicious cycle during Christmas. And I like to give people presents, better to give than receive and all that stuff. It's more fun this year than any other, since I live in a place with tons of cool albeit expensive stuff, and I have the best paying job in the history of my life.

Oh and I'm getting my right thigh tattooed, probably take 5 or 6 hours. Ouch much? But dang it will be awesome in the end. Oh yes. The onsen's (hot springs) will be putting up my picture saying don't let this guy in under penalty of blank stares.

Bruce Belcher memorial fund is HAPPENING, attention NY people:

I hope for a good turnout to raise lots of money for the cause (you can learn more at www.nbiadisorders.org) and if facebook doesn't lie than there should be at least 40 people there. Hip hip hooray!

Maybe my last entry before I get back home.

Hello vacation.

F.I.D.

"Nightflesh," the first song me and the band created together (along with my good friend Ian who helped formulate this little ditty) being performed live for the first time ever at Studio UEN, Nishi-Ogikubo. Big thanks to bands and friends who supported the show, if only this was every weekend:




Tokyo people: January 17th, Shindaita @ Shindaita fever, crazy show with a lot of awesome bands, mine included. Come out, say hi, admit to lurking on my blog when you're bored and hang out!


10.01.17 (Sun) DESTROY, DESTROY!! Presents "THE WANKYS JAPAN TOUR 2010 with CHAOS CHANNEL"

OPEN 15:30 / START 16:00
ADV ￥2500 (+1drink) / DOOR ￥2800 (+1drink)

The WANKYS / CHAOS CHANNEL / LAUGHIN NOSE / SYSTEMATIC DEATH / F.I.D / ABRAHAM CROSS / STRUGGLE FOR PRIDE / STAGNATION / D.S.B / TOM AND BOOT BOYS

http://www.fever-popo.com/schedule/2010/01/17/

I forgot the dramatic countdown!

You know, like I did over a year ago when I was building up to leaving Japan:

Days remaining until departure: 8.

Or something like

Time left on until I reach the land of Gold and Hamburgers: 8.

Or perhaps

Time left on this weird-ass island in 2009: 194.6 hours


Shucks. Well I'm heading home a week from tomorrow for a much needed Christmas vacation, and regardless of the lack of suspenseful blog buildup, it's been a real life climb to say the least. JLPT2 tomorrow. No way I'm ready, but I'm as ready as I can be. I learned a lot in 10 months, time to put it to the test! 発展できるぞ hatten dekiruzo (Time to strut my stuff/show 'em what I got)

I should be studying RIGHT NOW. And I'm getting up at 7am tomorrow, not looking forward to that. I've heard all kinds of impractical theories in regards to passing from my Japanese friends: wearing a "lucky mask" (whatever that may be), carrying this study/luck/pass charm my teacher gave me on the day of the test, or even eating a かつ katsu (pork cutlet) sandwich because pork cutlet and win have the same pronunciation in Japanese.

Me, I don't believe in luck. I believe in the undeniable power of the self.

And after the test, It's a end of year nabe (delicious stewed pot of goodness) celebration with my friend in F.I.D.! In Japan the end of the year party, or 忘年会 bounenkai is all about drinking your troubles away. The characters literally mean "forget-year-party." Also going to be a busy weekend, Monday is my last lesson of the year, and I've decided to meet my Chinese teacher on top of it since we haven't met in over a month due to this JLPT nonsense.

Ok, times up!

Into the void

You ever seen the movie Spaceballs? The part where Rick Moranis (a.k.a. Darth Helmet) says "Light Speed is too slow." And they crank this switch from light speed, to ridiculous speed, to ludicrous speed. That's how I feel right now. There shouldn't be stars flying by me at all angles, there should be streaks of plaid to do justice to the absurdity of the world around me.

People talk about the love/hate cycle expatriates experience in foreign countries. I've talked about this before, but I swear some switch in my brain is flipping between love and hate and it's gradually built up to the point of happening several times a day:

I love Japan.
I hate Japan.
I think Japanese people are cute and adorable.
I want to throw said people out of the nearest window because of their overwhelming indirectness and insincere politeness.
I love your Osaka-sense of humor.
Unless I have a piece of broccoli the size of Utah sticking out of my teeth, you have no good reason to stare so hard at me.
Your food is delicious and most of your women aren't obese here, awesome!
Texting and riding a bicycle while holding an umbrella with your two children while none of you wear helmets on a busy street might just be a teeny weeny tiny bit STUPID don't you think?

And so on.

This is all do to the insanity I willingly put myself into, and I love it. Keeps things interesting. Speaking of insanity, first show with the band/first show in Tokyo happened last Sunday. I know I haven't posted pictures here in ages, but I'm on my last legs tonight and don't feel like sorting through them and posting them. They'll be on the band site soon enough, and let's just say they are pretty righteous. I got to see grindcore legend Kurupino with her frog-puppet doing a solo S&M-style set with only a tom drum, a symbol and a mic stand. You really had to be there. Million Dollar Boys are also the best Tokyo band you never heard of, and the co-headlining band almost stole the show from us... well, they did in terms of streaking and ridiculousness anyway. CxPxSx donned their masks, make-up, underwear and little else and played a lewd set in the vein of "bad luck 13 riot extravaganza." I saw the soundguy grab the singer by the throat after he started hanging off of the lighting equipment, other than that it was just a lot of good clean fun.... well, as clean as it can get with a bunch of crazy Japanese grind-heads taking off their clothes and running into people while playing their instruments. One of my students even came out to see my band (the one I saw play in Shibuya last weekend) and he said the set was "pretty awesome."

All in all it was 大成功 "Daiseiko" - a great success. My fingers felt stiff at first but after the first few songs I knew the energy and high of the live show once again, such as I hadn't experienced for over a year... and what an addiction it is. I couldn't have pictured it going much better, except that my guitar got knocked out of tune for a bit. Might consider changing string brand/type, or going back to using 7-string sets on a 6 string guitar (since I play in B anyway).

The next day I took 4 hours of Japanese lessons (cramming my groups and privates together because I was busy with job training later in the week), which as you can imagine is pretty tiresome. I feel good though, and ready to put to kick this stupid test in the ass and bury it in the past. I'm obsessing about it way too much, I know, but as of writing this it's only about 60 hours away!! I should be studying right now... which is what I will go to, but first...

I taught my private students after class and doing some serious xmas shopping for my friends back home, and got this really cool, giant, most likely genetically-modified apple from Fukushima (north of Tokyo), along with a Fukushima-specific Chopper keychain. Pretty cool. I also discovered - since these ladies are completely Dog/Disney-obsessed - that Lady and the tramp is called ワンワンの物語 "wan wan no monogatari" in Japanese, the literal equivalent of "The Bark Bark story." Who knew?

Now I really have to hit the kanji book. Until I go to bed. I'm not even bringing my D.S. with me on the train until this thing is over with. Now if only I could pry myself away from this laptop!! Make it 3 days from now already!

Oh, and thanks to the people who responded to the last post, I really appreciate your feedback!


"I am extraordinary, I am I am" - Blacklisted

"We've all been tricked into loving some fool, not a person alive who hasn't wasted time" - End of a Year

What can you see from your window?

Every week when I work in Shinjuku, I find it fills me with a certain kind of rage. I spend the day by going to Iidabashi for my 2 hour Japanese lesson, and follow that up by going directly to work. A full day, which leaves me satisfied but somewhat fatigued. And the masses, inside and out, do something to the natural state of the human mind. The people's mentalities and the general coldness to everyone they don't know in this kind of big city really strikes a darkness of the heart I'd never experienced before my time in Japan.

I can't assume whoever is reading this knows anything about these places, so allow me to explain: Shinjuku is home to the busiest train station in the world, and a veritable center of the megalopolis known as Tokyo. It's busy, always. Walking through there means becoming part of a mess of people moving in every conceivable direction; pure organized chaos. When I get off work nigh on 9:30, the drunken businessmen vibe is in full effect as well. And it all just piles up. Perhaps listening to grind metal isn't helping the situation, but it feels so appropriate to the madness hidden behind the neon beauty of the city.

Suffice it to say living as close as I do to any city feels like a temporary thing. It couldn't last, it would drive anyone with a soul crazy, I think.

...that's a dark start isn't it? Kind of prose-y though. My attempt at a description of the feeling of walking through the streets of Shinjuku, even if it only happens 2 or 3 times a week, thank god. It feels like a little piece of my soul is stripped away every time I cross those anonymous masses, being scratched and clawed at by the empty aura of the stone metropolis, struggling to-

Yea that's enough of that.

**

Last Sunday was one of the best days I've had in a while. I did the following things:

11-1pm. Listening practice test for the upcoming JLPT (11 DAYS AWAY) with a nice Spanish girl named Lydia. Got a 50%, which is around my average. Hey, listening to Japanese is tough! Thankfully this is a smaller portion of the overall test grade than the other parts I do better at.

1-4. Special 3 hour band practice, busted ass to get there on time (through the dark torrents of Shinjuku once again) Fun practice, they always are. Laughed and wrote and played and replayed and corrected and played again and felt exhausted and poured it all into the instrument. Yea.

5-7. Did the language exchange thing with Kana (friend/bassist) and did surprisingly well with Japanese grammar points. I can feel the pieces falling into place.

8ish. Arrived in Shibuya - the trendiest, most over-glorified crowded sack of amorphous blobs of people (which deserves its own post) I've ever seen - went to see my student Toshi's band play. He had given me a free ticket so I thought what the hell, it'd be rude not to go! I was pretty wrecked at this point, but managed to find the venue which I realized I had visited last year. Despite this, It is a bit of a tuck away building on an imaginary "street," above a Harley Davidson shop on a seedy-looking corner.

I had timed it to come just in time for Toshi's band, the "Super Sonic Monkeys," since I knew it would be an all day fest of amateur bands which I could not sit through. Although when I arrived, the act finishing up was quite entertaining. Some lady in her 40s/50s in go-go boots and white vinyl doing a ridiculous dance alongside to a male-backed ensemble of beardless ZZ TOP wannabes in trench coats and Leapord jackets with a fairly cute Japanese girl as a singer. The guitarists were doing all kinds of lewd rock moves. There was a saxophonist too, but everything jumbled together and didn't sound particularly good. Visually 10/10, musically 4/10. Wish I had my camera for that one!

Super Sonic Monkeys were pretty good for a band that does popular covers. The did the whole guitarist/bassist harmony thing quite well, covering Blink 182 and Green Day and the like. They even had a fan club, a gaggle of girls which I thought was pretty amusing. Am I playing the wrong kind of music? (don't answer that)

After the show the whole group - groupies, friends, band and myself - went to an Izakaya (Japanese-style restaurant/bar) they had reserved. Really brilliant, as them there U.K. people like to say. I had a lot of fun. And besides meeting some new friends - who said they want to "go go to Ben's Live!" - I realized that my Japanese hasn't improved at all.

It has TRANSCENDED.

I have had my head buried so deep in difficult everything that I didn't even realize my comprehension of daily conversation (and ability to communicate) has soared since the last time I'd attended this kind of social event with a bunch of Japanese people, maybe a few months prior. I communicated smoothly with several people almost no problem. It felt good. I can't do the whole night justice, let me just finish with saying it was fun.

The next day I took a much needed rest, studied and watched Apocalypse Now! for the first time. The Redux version in fact, over 3 hours long. Heck of a movie, I like the specks of Lord Jim and Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad that the director mixed in with a Vietnam-themed war movie. And I find myself saying "the horror... the HORROR" whenever the opportunity arises.

**

One more thing. This English teaching shtick. I realized in college that the beauty of studying English - despite its lacking somewhat in the practicality department, at least in my case and in the States - was that a good command of language can be universally applied to almost any field. If you are well spoken, or well written, this bleeds into so many different careers and facets of human life. My job now, it's not glamorous, it can be redundant, but I'm always working with real people. Talking with people one inevitably forms connections with them, of interest, curiosity, disdain, friendship, warmth, familiarity, etc. etc. I am able to learn so much from them, it has become an enduring strategy of mine to find something interesting in even the most ordinary or seemingly-dull persona. I can learn about Japan, or the culture, or get an unfair look at what this person's life is like while at the same time doing what I do very effectively. It is in fact my job to ask questions that border on personally intrusive ("Do you live alone?" is listed as an opening discussion question in certain books). The empowerment of it all gets some people drunk, I think. I want to believe I take full advantage of this position by gleaning what I can, while of course doing my job to the utmost of my ability and helping those who truly want to improve. Not everyone takes this kind of job that seriously, but I can't help it. I'm an all or nothing type. If I don't give a shit, I don't give a shit, but if I care at all, it's like I yanked the cork out of the Hooker Dam once I get involved. So I put my heart into it, and sometimes I get really amazing, intangible things back.

Or the occasional - but slowly becoming weekly - bag of delicious potato-salad bread, raisin loaf and other sundry bakery items from Junko. You are like my provisional Japanese Mom, THANK YOU ALTHOUGH YOU WILL NEVER READ THIS.

This clunkily segues into my last bit, the title. It comes from one sleepy new student's attempt to be creative today. In response to "Ask about my apartment," she asked me: "What can you see from your window?" I said I can see snoopy and woodstock in a window from my window, and several other buildings, but that's pretty much it. However, in the cogs of this thing we call a brain, this question struck me as so deep, so unintentionally profound and deep. How much does my viewpoint control my perspective? Where does the vision stop and the imagination begin?

What can you see from your window?

I'm inside your computer

Decided to do a VLOG, video blog, was kind of restless and sleepy at the time so forgive my state, however it's a wrapup of what's going on now. Some old info, some new, and what's it going to be like to re-enter my home country, I wonder...

Nothing to say? Say it anyway!

I greatly enjoy sitting in my underwear and participating in solitary activities (studying, reading wikipedia, listening to music) in my one room apartment. The walls are scaly and paper-thin, but I have do have two windows. And although the sun-absorption turns it into an oven in the summer, it provides me with some great "natural heating" when it starts to get cold, like right now. I'm looking at my "business jacket," and it's got more wrinkles than a part time eldery bag-lady at the local grocery store, but ya know what? I think I'll wear it to work today anyway. I never cared much for outer appearances.

I spent 5 hours studying, reading, and also did some song-writing trying to bang out another F.I.D. number today. Our time is limited - not that it ever wasn't - but as usual I'm being far too hard on myself, wondering if this riff fits the style, or is congruent enough, or will please old fans. This is something entirely new for me: Writing music for a band that has a fanbase. I'm doing my best, and the girls like it, and it's a departure from the first CD for sure, but I feel like in essence (and with 3/4 the same members, even though the old guitarist spear-headed most of the material) it's the same band. I can't wait to play a live show again, it's one of those addictions I can never quit. A kind of elation no drug can give, girls can't do it either, although their kind of elation is nice too.

And, to finish, I'm realizing how lucky I am to be surrounded by some amazing people in my life, be they co-workers or students. I'm so glad I have a job that forces me to interact with people when I tend to steer away from it, as I've garnered some amazing opportunities from it. More about them later.

"Now you see me, and now I am a shadow" - Small Brown Bike / Casket Lottery

Come back, kid!

Last night I drank a souped up energy cocktail drink from the conbini (convenience store) full of ginseng and various extracts I couldn't recognize, most likely from the deepest regions of the congo and it seemed to do something good. I stopped taking the codeine and other prescription stuff this morning, I tried buying some over the counter cough medicine (Benadryl is illegal here) but the one that was the "least sleep-inducing" according to the pharmacist/cashier put me into nap mode after a few hours. I won't be taking any more of that too soon. I was at least able to come back to some semblance of a normal day, and although I'm not 100%, I'm back to functional, and that's good enough for right now.

I took the 15-minute train into town to meet some students for a lesson a popular cheap Italian place, ate some pizza and made 4000 yen (roughly $40) talking about dogs for an hour. Good racket. More important I made it through without feeling like trash, as it was a kind of test before going back into full on work. My week is busy and starts tomorrow.

1 week without the gym. First time since April. My muscles are pissed at me (especially my back) and my whole body feels really neglected. I'll try tomorrow morning.... we'll see. The physically drained feeling is still lingerning however.

I've been listening to a great reading of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" by Jack Finney, and while it isn't the best book it's some fun, pulpy, character-driven sci fi that has helped get me through this rut of a sick week. I'm just starting "No Longer Human" by Osamu Dazai, a best-selling Japanese novel even today, by an author who killed himself in 1947. It's a lot like the first emo before there was a word for emo however. "Woe is me I can't relate to anyone my life is pain etc. etc." I'm reading through trying to find the appeal, and I want to stop but it's mysteriously addicting....

Thoughts: being sick and stuck on my own in this little room with too much free time led to my usual over-philosophizing about life and the universe and my mediocre position therein and about my prospective career and my childhood and my possible days as an old man and how we all have to die some time, it's just a matter of when. I'd rather go backwards, not forwards. Regress into a child, de-age until I was a sperm and an egg and subatomic particles and disappear. It'd be a really original way to go.

See, this is why I keep myself occupied. Can't think freely for too long.

Countdown to home: 34 days.

Posting from the bottom

Dear internet-

Hello, how are out? I'm not so good. I've been sick for the past few days. Just on the tailend of a holiday weekend, I managed to catch a really nasty cold - congestion, splitting headache, ears ringing, fever, the whole shabbang. It feels like years since I've been sick like this. Since I was afraid it might be swine flu, I decided a prompt visit to the hospital was in order. To say I was nervous is correct, but thanks to my good buddy google maps (whose father google may turn into or already be Big Brother according to this guy) I found the closest general hospital. I always knew there was a plethora of clinics (small Dr.'s offices, often specialists) in my town, I never realized that a 5 minute walk in another direction from the train station would bring me to a legitimate general hospital.

Oh, but before that I had to hit up the chiropractor, because I'd strained my back trying to use that stupid exercise wheel again! I felt like the floor of a taxi cab but made my back-massage appointment, trudged down the road and went through the motions at the hospital, receiving a test for the dreaded swine flu.

The results? Tune in next week to find out!

Many foreigners have to seek out English-speaking doctors which is not only a hassle, requires traveling but will probably be more expensive, even in Tokyo. Despite how bad I felt I was at least happy that my Japanese was far along enough I could fill out forms and speak with the nurses, doctors and pharmacy people with little to no trouble. However, when asked about whether or not I wanted to take the Swine Flu test I heard a word I was unfamiliar with, some fancy medical way of asking if I wanted to "receive the test." Not knowing this one word apparently convinced the nurse to go the "bull by the horns" route and she tilted my nose back and shoved a cotton swab really, really far up it with like no warning. I felt like Shwarzenegger in Total Recall, when he gets the tracking device removed from his nose.

Shudder.

OK, I didn't have swine flu (quickest week of your life). However I have turned into a strange cross between the invisible man and a zombie. I'm approaching my third day of sick leave, and have been playing Grand Theft Auto 4 to pass the time, since anything that takes much thought or concentration really hurts my head.

Incapacitated on the Island,

-Ben

I'm about to pass out from exhaustion

But before that, behold in all it's glory:



Yep. My first show. Gonna be awesome. Feast your eyes and ears on the youtube goodness of some of these zonky bands:


F.I.D.
http://www.myspace.com/fidgrind
CxPxSx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkyfgKS-LqA
Million Dollar Boys
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gufBaTP-VkQ -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coEyrStSM_w
Geshurekt Organ a.k.a. Kurupino a.k.a. Froglady
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AN3_WQOP-K4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBipqrFfjhY
Morquido
ECODAMNED
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHY1F3hLobM

Gotta say, Frog Lady is my favorite.


See you in 7 weeks NY, 6 weeks test, 5 weeks show.... my head asplode?

Paradigm Shift

What happened to me? Recently I've been taking a good look at the progression of my life, and it's stranger than you might think. Those of you who only know me from this blog, or not so well in real life, might think of me as a pretty serious or straight-foward guy, possibly funny at times, somewhat eccentric and obsessive about his "work." That is me, now. But who did I used to be? The longer time stretches on the harder it is to remember. Although that person will always be a part of me, it's just that, a part. Nothing more than a percentile. A widget on a pie graph. I won't go into details about it, but I used to be a slacker, an unmotivated sack of crud in my school days. It took serious changes in the world around me to shake my foundations: sweet, sweet liberation from 10 years of anti-epileptic, concentration-destroying seizure medication, and the death in the family. These things converged violently around the time I broke up with my last serious girlfriend and started studying Japanese. Weird, right? And that was, somehow, only a littler more than 3 years ago. It feels like I've stepped into a different life, and that was some distant thing in the past. The ancient past. The Gettysburg address and 1492 past. It's almost like I have to remind myself that some of the bad things ever happened. That I was ever so numb to the world, or isolated from my peers. It's weird, strange, and too personal to go into any real details about. At the moment. Maybe some day, but probably not in blog form.

So the world spins on, and my learning has also shifted. Depending on the subject matter, I can sometimes survive reading several consecutive pages of Japanese comics without using a dictionary. Many things that would have passed me by a year ago are being reeled in by Ben's Brain - V2.0. It seems to me that we teach our brains to filter out various sounds the world makes, and a lot of this meaningless noise has gradually acquired meaning to me. I can feel the shift, slowly, but certain, and if I keep pushing until the blisters break I feel like life could be one hell of a ride.

"Keep diggin, pail, dirt, hands calloused for what it's worth." - Rick Whispers

Please fill in all the blank spaces

Posting will definitely decrease the next few months. T-minus 7 weeks until JLPT Level 2 test. 8 weeks until my epic return to Upstate NY (for a much needed 3 week vacation). I have to put my nose to the grindstone until I have nothing left. I must succeed.

I've been getting a little sick the past week, might be the change in weather, which is actually quite favorable. 70 degrees and cool in mid-October does beat NY this time of year, I'll give you that Tokyo. Otherwise the summers here.... Lets just say that next year I'm getting some astronaut-style suit with internal cooling mechanisms or just never leaving my room. Winter on the other hand will most likely be rainy and chilly, usually in the 40s consistently which isn't so bad. That's Fahrenheit (damn you and your difficult to spell name) to any of you who didn't grow up in the States, where we still practice backwards measurement systems such as miles and pounds.

Perhaps it coincides with the sickness, but I've been feeling a bit down on life lately. This place is a "roller coaster ride," (props Nick), one day it's all love the next day it's seething hatred. I cannot make up my mind. Days like today I'd feel better just relaxing and reading some comics and having a quiet day, but it's off to work in an hour. Sometimes my job can energize me a bit though, and Tuesdays are usually good, so we'll see.

Went to an amazing Okinawa-style restaurant the other night with some friends after band practice, that was a great experience. Tried 海葡萄, or "sea grapes," a kind of seaweed with little green balls that are sweet like grapes. Really strange. The pork was exquisite though. And the end-of-meal soups are always great at these specialty izakaya places. Would go again.

Not much else to report, gonna try and throw in a few last hurrahs towards the end of the year, but things will be slow on the blog front. Duty calls.


"Don't ever think you know why" - System of a Down

Tornado of Books + Bowling Ball = .....

After much procrastination, I finally sorted out my books. Mostly Japanese comic books, the bulk of which I have yet to read. I can't believe I was quite so enthusiastic about buying them so fast a year ago - "OH MY GOD! IT'S ONLY 100 YEN, THAT'S LIKE A DOLLAR!!!!" - thank god I've calmed down.

This does not include novels and stuff, of which ther are like 50 more on my shelf.

I haven't posted a picture on here in a long time. This one is a pretty accurate symbol of my life, a swarm of information I want to absorb faster than is humanly possible. I've picked out some choice titles to focus on, like One Piece, Eyeshield 21 and JoJo, but for the moment I should really be studying for the big test in a little under two months. I'm acquiring vocabulary by reading these things, and I enjoy them, and they help my Japanese, but I'm 99% sure there will be no questions on the test with phrases like "Mind your own business," "Let's kick the crap out of 'em," or "do you mind if I throw a rock at them?"

It's amazing what a full time job working, studying 2-4 hours everyday, and trying to have enough downtime can be. Well, not amazing or anything, but throw in the band, mandatory weekly social engagement of one sort or another, and it's a full ticket. I'm having dinner with Maki and some friends tomorrow after practice, and attending a bowling party with some school people on Monday. Bowling, now that's something I haven't done in years.

I went to a school party the other night where this rather out-going gent (who, strangely enough had been half-asleep during my class) was busting out some serious 関西弁 (Kansai, or "Western Japan," dialect). I noticed it right away, as it's a distinctly different speech style from standard 東京弁 (Tokyo Dialect), although to be fair it has dozens of different forms depending on regions in the west. Anyhow, I asked this guy to teach me a useful phrase since I was interested in learning Kansai Dialect, and he said: なんでやね. His way of explaining this phrase was: "If I see a guy, and he has two pickles in his eyes, I say NANNDEYANE??" This, at the time, didn't quite click with me as a clear definition, but I looked it up later, and it can be roughly described as: "What the hell?" or "You gotta be kidding me!!"

Sometimes I go throw B.S., I work my butt off, or deal with difficult people and situations, but I realized the other day that I've become acclimated enough to this place. I passed some unseen threshold when I wasn't paying attention. I'm not afraid of leaving, but have trouble imagining what it will be like. Also, I can't help wondering what getting comfortable like this could mean if I'm going to actually follow through on Graduate school or living in another foreign country. I can't deny, if I do attain a high level of fluency in Japanese, it might be tempting to just work for a company here doing translation or international relations, assuming they don't want me doing the 11-hour salaryman shtick. Especially if I end up marrying a Japanese broad like, er, every white dude in this country. But the future is something I'm as clueless about as any of you.

Getting back to Japanese for just a second, after much work my reading has improved quite a bit, but my listening is still lacking. I started listening to news podcasts (which make me feel dumb with my 5-10% comprehension of them) and, less depressing than that is watching some Miyazaki films without subtitles. He's the Disney of Japan, and I honestly haven't seen much besides Prince Mononoke and now Spirited Away again, but I want to run through more of his movies in the next few months.

I'm looking forward to this big test-hurdle being behind me, so I can focus more on learning fun japanese and less on words I'll never use, like "registered mail" 書留 or "servicing & maintenance" 整備.

Naturally, studying my butt off and then working can both be pretty brain-draining exercises, especially when work is especially busy. So my pill to "take as needed for pain," my weed in a wrap, my cure in a bottle has been nothing less than the NFL. In the last few years I've grown to appreciate watching football as an activity that fills a primal urge of seeing people smash into each other, while being entertaining from a strategic vantage point as well. I still have a deep-seeded dislike for jocky, block-headed bullies, which of course make up a good chunk of professional sports, but I do like watching them pummel each other, I must say. 4 weeks in, and I haven't exactly enjoyed seeing the Bills offensively fall apart, but otherwise, I like the Bears and the Steelers this year.

I won't lie, by slacking on the blog I have missed out on the opportunity to write what could be some hilarious stories for you guys. My bad. At the moment all I can think of is:

-a few 10 year olds started clapping the rhythm to Queen's We Will Rock You (or should I say lock you) in the middle of class and kept it going for around 15 or 20 minutes

- teaching "nod your head" has also turned into an air-guitar-shred/head-banging session in the aforementioned class

-I met a woman the other day whose brother had moved to Mexico. When asked why, she said it was to be an amateur masked wrestler. 0_0

-There was a sort of typhoon the other night, wasn't so strong, just some winds and rain coming from many directions, but I missed the bulk of it. However, working that night some idiot slammed the the wrong pedal at a railway crossing and smashed into an oncoming train. No one was killed or seriously injured, but 5500 people were estimated to have been effected by the stopped trains. I caught a local half-way home and walked another 2 miles or so, not too bad, but the funny part is as I crossed the tracks on the home stretch, I saw my train going by. So if I would have waited, I wouldn't have had to walk. Curses!

(The accident)

Integrity is playing here in a few weeks. I'm considering going to a sports festival the same day, since I know I'd be a great asset to the tug-of-war section...

That's all for now. Writing is fun, I don't plan to stop any time soon. Thanks for reading.


"These walls are paper-thin and everyone hears every little sound" - Modest Mouse

"If I never make it home tonight the streets will swallow me whole" - Trapped Under Ice

" What are your qualifications? #2- Ah well… I attended Juilliard. I am a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and I had a pretty good time during that. I’VE SEEN THE EXORCIST ABOUT 167 TIMES…AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! Not to mention the fact that you are talking to a dead guy. Now what do you think? Am I qualified?" - Beetlejuice

P.S. Ian, I know you always find some spare time to get on here, remind me to return your books soon dude.

P.S.S. Reading Kafka's "The Trial" for the first time now, it's awesome, so very very awesome.

Positive!

Today was a good day. I submitted my JLPT application (6000 yen the poorer for it), had amazing students and enjoyed the beginnings of fall weather. I saw people wearing what looked like winter coats (it was like 70 and cloudy) which cracks me up. I can't wait to see my hometown again, and breath in air so cold it my body rejects it. I hope it's covered in 3 feet of snow come December.

I felt like I made a positive different in the kids I taught today. None of them were trouble, some were tired or stubborn, but as for all of them, I wonder how my actions might shape their impression of the English language or Americans in the future. Granted they have a good chance of just forgetting my existence too, but hey, I can't help feeling like I did something right. Today was a positive day.

"Silver Week" showed up much quicker than anticipated. It's a slang term that appeared just this year, to match the long-standing Golden Week series of holidays in April/May. I only get two our of the four days off, but hey, better than nothin! Terror and Winds of Plague are playing next week too... gonna be complete chaos! (or should I say kaosu?)

I'm feeling pretty braindead, My Friday night/Saturday morning combo work schedule puts me at 12 hours of teaching in a 24 period, always leaving me a bit zonked. Half-way through it now, writing ye from the trenches. The days and weeks are flying by.

I'm reading:

"The Rape of Nanking - the untold Holocaust of World War II" A really poignant account of a tragic time in the history swept under the rug, not taught in schools and downright ignored and denied to this day by the majority in Japan. Some really gruesome, terrible stuff went down between Japanese soldiers and over 260,000 thousand men, women and children, the minority of which were actually soldiers (or at least soldiers over the age of 12). It's grizzly and disturbing. A human atrocity. It's one of those things I remember reading a small paragraph about in High School History class, like the "Trail of Tears." I feel like even then I wondered: if it's so tragic an event, doesn't it deserve more than an eighth of a page?"

And on top of that, as Nick informed me this morning, the author, Iris Chang, killed herself several years after writing the book, feeling that she would be hounded for the rest of her life by ultranationalists, critics of her work, etc. And haunted by a looming depression. From what I've read on wikipedia (just now) the book is somewhat flawed, especially in the author's bias and uninformed portrayal of the modern Japanese, but nonetheless, it doesn't matter of it's 100,000 or 200,000 or 400,000 deaths, it should be remember so as not to be repeated.

Shalman Rushdie - "Shalimar the Clown" My 3rd Rushdie novel, this guy is intelligent and somewhat of a snob in his writing, but he's also surreal and convoluted in his plot constructions, which I enjoy very much. This is good so far, although it occasionally hurts my brain.

I dunno why I felt the need to write all that, but I did it anyway! It's my blog, I can do whatever I want! BOW BEFORE ME MERE INTERNET MORTALS.





...oh. You're still here? Why are you still here? You want to know about my secret plans for the future? What the hell is Ben gonna do after he is finished with his English-teaching Time in Japan?! I know you're dying to find out. Or at least I am? Hmm. Well. Recently I've been thinking about something along the lines of getting a masters in East Asian language translation.... if such a thing even exists, and studying abroad at a University in Shanghai or Hong Kong or something. I want to be fluent in speaking and writing both Japanese and Mandarin Chinese someday. I don't know why exactly, but maybe, just maybe all of this time in Japan is giving me such an uneven balance of what Asia actually is. This taste of living in a different country, it makes me want more. I want to experience living in another completely different country, and be shocked and humbled by my lack of knowledge about how things go down all over again.

It's OK mom and Dad, I'll pack my toothbrush.

"Everywhere's story is now a part of everywhere else" - Salman Rushdie.

That's not bad, it's baaad yo

I recall when I was 14, 15, 16, and I used to listen to Angel, the singer of my high school band My Own Demons, describe bands to me: "That band is baaad yo." This always perplexed me. I mean, if he showed gesticulations indicating favor towards the band, then I could assume he was misusing the word bad as slang, or short for "bad-ass" or something. That was clear enough. But then, when me and James and Dan (drummer and bassist respectively) would write tunes, and he said "that's bad!" I was always terribly confused and in need of clarification.

Last night, when I saw Bishop and Loyal to the Grave at Club Era in Shimokitazawa, I was talking to Akira, who I have mentioned before in this blog. He's a devoted troycore lover and general fan of 90s-era New York Hardcore - he especially worships Cutthroat, who have a special place in my heart as well. So we were talking (in Japanese) and I asked him what bands he likes nowadays, since all his favorites are at least 10 years old - Stigmata, Dying Breed, etc. Here's a rough transcript:

例えば，このごろハードコアバンドの中で最高はテラーと思う
me: "Well, for example, I think Terror is the best hardcore band going today."

まあ，テラーは。。。ー＿ー
Akira: "Terror, no I don't really like Terror"

なんで？バリッドアライブ好きんだろう？
"Really? But don't you like Buried Alive?"

うん，そうな
"Well, yea."

同じヴォカリスと！すっげ！ライブは最高だぜ
It's the same vocalist! They destroy! They are so good live.

まあ，ライブテラーはヤベエな
Yea, live Terror are bad.

なに？つまりテラーが好きじゃない？
What? In other words you don't like Terror?

違う，そのバンドのライブはヤベエエ
No, that band is just really bad live

ちょっと待って、「ヤバい」という意味は好きじゃないんでしょう？
Wait, "bad" means you don't like them?

ちがっ、「ヤベエ」はかっこいい
No, "bad" means they are sick/cool/good


Talk about across the globe high-school flashbacks.

I also had a fun time at the show, got called "crazy" for dancing just like I always have back home (I think being the only white guy in the crowd and my size has something to do with it - lots of Japanese dudes gettin down too), and left with a slighty busted nose. All in all a good time. As an added bonus, talking to Akira and some other dudes, I got to practice my manly Japanese, which is a hell of a lot harder than it sounds - a lot of different word shortenings and speech patters are used by men only, it's a much more gender-defined language than English, in my opinion.

Today was an amazing band practice. New songs being wrapped up, studio time in the near future, and show dates being planned. January 17 is a definite, details T.B.A. Also some heavy news about the future of the band, or at least that it will be on haitus for a while next year.... :/ But I can't talk details, not yet. Still, whatever happens, it's a wild ride, and F.I.D. are 100% solid people, and some of my best friends in Japan.

This talk of change though, it makes me think about how I'm actually leaving this country behind (permanently?) some time in the future. Weird.


"Stay cold! You can't hurt me anymore" - Trapped under Ice

"Pushed to the limits of functioning human condition, my brain stem snaps from the pressure" - xBishopx

All I need's a good swift kick in the ass!

I've been trying to vary my "training" at the gym lately, and I really did it this morning. Working out in the morning and working a 4-10 shift can be risky, and sure enough I was sleepy all day today. I somehow managed to pull through. I literally took a 15 minute power nap in the break-room (better called a break-closet, it's literally big enough for one person to sit down in).

No, I'm not turning into one of those bros who talks about his work-out routine. I still hate bros and jocks, that was founded in junior high and high school and will never change. I hate bullies more though. So what do I do when I see kids in my own class bullying each other? I can't very well grab him by the collar and enact street justice, now can I? This is just a broken side-rant, but dammit, dammit, dammit, I don't want to teach kids. I don't care how cute or fun they can be sometimes, I hate all the baggage that comes with it. Emotional, disciplinary and otherwise. And I'm also not a big fan of teaching rudimentary stuff, when it comes down to it. I like talking about the philosophically unknowable, the incredibly inane and the highly inappropriate. I did explain to a student what Jehovas Witness, the Amish and Mormons are the other day. That was very stirring (at least for me)

I forgot to mention I had an attempted kancho done to me for the first time the other day too. While substituting for another teacher. For anyone who doesn't know, a kancho is when you make a "gun" with your pointer and middle finger of each hand together, and try to poke the other person in the anus. As a practical joke. No, I'm not making this up, look it up if you want, I can't make this s**t up. Thankfully it was a failed attempt... I certainly don't need 6 year old girls violating me, that's wrong on HOW many levels??

Gonna go see a good show tomorrow night too. And no stinkin kids to teach tomorrow. And band practice and hiking a mountain this weekend. Could things be on the up and up?


"Save yourself, don't make a sound." - Starkweather

I want the world and a side of fries

or make that potato salad. And some turkey, and mashed potatoes, and stuffing, and generous portions, and big roads, and large cars, and bigger yards, and larger communities, and SPACE, and big fat smelly egos, and 18" pizzas, and old friends, and feet of snow, and cold winters, and mild summers, and places to drive, and a chance to listen to music with my friends.

3 months until I get back to the right side of the world. I need an asia break, stat! =/

Time well spent (is?)

I often have been too forward-looking. It's not a trait common in younger people, as far as I can tell, but it's how I've functioned and seen the world for as long as I can remember. Being a planner (and the slightest bit of a control freak) has its advantages: being relatively organized, spending time efficiently, feeling like my life is in order. But it also prevents me from "living in the moment" sometimes. I went to a show the other night, the first one I've really experienced in a long time (excluding something last weekend - I'll explain later). There's something still a bit awkward about being at a hardcore show - and it isn't that everyone is Asian. Yet I felt a kind of release and lack of time awareness that one can experience only through their own passions. Things that eat you alive they are so enjoyable. Things that suck up all of your mental processing power. I live for these sorts of things: reading, music, studying, exercise, spending time with friends and enjoyable conversations. Outside of these activities, I sometimes get stuck in a kind of stagnancy, thinking too much about the future or the past. Even as I write this, in the back of my mind I'm thinking about the books I put down to do so. I'm halfway through watching the Goonies as well - that's how important this blog is to me. :)

This time-management obsession is something that's part of my personality, and I don't see it changing any time soon. I can only remind myself to not let it control my life.

I woke up the other day to "salsa's here." Nick, my neighbor who moved out 4 months back, showed up unexpectedly around 9am with a jar of salsa from California, per request. I knew he was coming back, but didn't know when. It's almost surreal, and another example of how the world moves like crazy around me, but my routine and place of living have stayed the same. I like that reliability. Anyhow, Nick is back, if only temporarily before he moves for his job/school. Going for his masters in TESL (Teaching English as a Second Language) at Temple University, and I say more power to ya buddy.

Last weekend, I had a ticket to see Madball. I was excited about this. Before that, I went to the gym, then went to the going away party of someone who has been here 15 years, but had to leave for job and personal reasons. He's a real cool dude with good taste in music, and for what it's worth, he was the first trainer I met when I moved to Japan (as he used to work for my company). I remember that day, so nervous, so unsure of what to expect and how it would all go down, and he made me feel strangely at home at 7pm in a bleached-white classroom setting, doing some kind of "favorite food/favorite song" survey activity, meeting my fellow trainees. A good guy, and I went to his farewell thing in Yoyogi Park to wish him the best of luck. That was quite nice, I played frisbee, watched the Yakuza and 50s-pompadour-style guys and gals dance it up in the park, and had a few drinks with some co-workers. After a while it was time to hit up the show.

But when I got there, I felt like complete shit. I had been in Yoyogi earlier, and Shibuya holds no less crowds than Harajuku on a Sunday; they are both incredibly trendy and popular spots. Not that I care about trendy or popular, but that's where the parties and hardcore shows happen. And as an important aside, I don't like big crowds. My only real experiences with places jammed with people was ever was at shows back home. Fair enough. But here, it's like crowds lurk around every corner, and when I arrived at the show to find it crowded to the point of difficulty getting around - the bottle-neck design between the bar and the merchandise tables to the main stage didn't help - I felt suffocated. Not that I'm claustrophobic, or agoraphobic, I just didn't feel like being there at that time, I'd had enough. It might have been the mid-day beer, or the lack of caffeine supplementing it, but I knew my mood and mind was set. I watched 2 bands, wasn't feeling it at all, and headed home. 4000 yen and a chance to see an NYHC band wasted, but I knew that getting away from the throngs was what felt right at that point in time.

See, I'm the kind of guy who needs my space. Seriously. I know what you're thinking: "smart move coming to Tokyo," right? Well, for the record, on my job application under desired location I wrote: "anywhere in Japan." And I prefer Osaka people and their over-the-top sense of humor to Tokyo seriousness any day! But that's besides the point.

So I was a little bummed and felt like I had wasted time and money. In retrospect though, I'd seen Madball nearly 5 or 6 times back home anyway. This weekend, I made it up by playing with kids for 3 freakin' hours and making them circle pit (they call it musical chairs, but I see a lot of resemblance), and then going to see Loyal to the Grave, Maroon and the Acacia Strain and pit it up there. This was at the exact same venue as last weekend, mind you. But my mood was entirely different. I missed xBISHOPx who I wanted to see, however they're playing Shimokitazawa next Saturday, and I'll be there with bells on. The show was an awesome time, I got to vent out my frustrations and felt a lot better.

Oh, and Sunday (yesterday) I was supposed to have band practice, but canceled it for other plans which got canceled. Do'h! Not all was lost, as I finished Remembering The Kanji volume 1!!!! That's 2043 kanji I can write. Boo freakin' yah. I expected confetti and streamers to magically appear at the time of my completion, yet none did. I love hitting milestones like this. I also finished a vocab book of about 1500 words, and will be done with my grammar book of no less than 180 grammar points this week. 3 months until the big test. I have to keep up this pace to stand any chance, so there's nothing to do but stay pumped on Japanese for the next 12 weeks. A week after my test, I'll be visiting home. I don't know if I've ever looked forward to any Christmas more in my life.

"Don't you realize? The next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school. Our parents, they want the best of stuff for us. But right now, they got to do what's right for them. Because it's their time. Their time! Up there! Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here." - Goonies

P.S. This marks the beginning of chapter 7. Why? Because it's typhooning a bit outside.