Everyone needs something to look forward too...

Honestly, without the D-Day counter, this blog just doesn't feel the same. It's like so much of my happiness - our happiness, as people - relies on building expectations. Anticipation. Awaiting the climax, more so than actually achieving it. Is anything ever really objectively good, or do we just will it to be that way through endless amounts of mental build-up?

I guess what I'm trying to say is we all need goals to keep ourselves sane. This way we convince ourselves that our lives have purpose, and that there's a reason for this and that, "and hey don't sweat about X, yea it's bad, but Y is just around the corner." What does it matter then what we are setting ourselves up for, whether it's an Olympic race or a hamburger, or in my case leaving behind the world I knew for so long? I'm not trying to say I'm disappointed, it's just that I have thought about this kind of stuff for a long time. I'm almost more interested in the "why" we do things than anything else, even their actual results in real life.

Things are pretty tough right now. I need downtime, but training is very demanding and tomorrow is a big "test lesson," so I'm studying my ass off. I thought I left this behind with college! But no, learning teaching methods is important, and I'm learning a lot...it feels like too much, really. More than I can retain perhaps. I think I'll learn more "on the field," in action so to speak, as opposed to sitting around and being lectured. That isn't to say that this component of my job is not important, because it is! I wouldn't know where to begin without the proper training, conditioning and mindset, and would make all sorts of mistakes that would cause my students to regress instead of progress. All I'm saying is that I will learn so much more, get so much more done, and feel a hell of a lot better when training is behind me and I can really start making a difference in someone's life. Teaching something to somebody. I took this position because I wanted a job that I could be happy with, one where I would not rue the workday but look forward to it. A job where I would have visible results, and be able to take great pride in what I had accomplished. I could have made this money back home by selling myself short and doing something I would have hated - I definitely could have taken the easier way out. I take pride in the fact I didn't, but....

Damn, this is hard guys. I mean I'm not slaving away for 16 hours a day making sneakers in a third world country for a dollar a week, and I'm not working terribly hard physically (except the many miles walked and stairs climbed in dress shoes), but my brain is strained. Everywhere I look, there are things unfamiliar and strange. Even doing simple things like going to the grocery store or buying an appliance are 10x more difficult because of the language barrier. When the world overwhelms me, I tend to block it out so that I don't go crazy - Ergo I'm not really reading all the kanji I see, because if I tried to my head would explode. I'm practicing my Japanese when possible, but it's a hobby and not a priority right now. I hate to say it, but for the most part the culture is weighing me down and then the job is kicking me in the side, it's like a double whammy. My employers understand this and still (rightfully) demand a lot from their newest batch of employees. So yea, it ain't easy!

...at least the food is great!

Good night family and friends, and don't worry about me too much or anything like that. I came into this knowing full well it would be hardest at first, but I once I actually start my job for real things will ease up significantly. I can get into a pattern, get more settled, and not be under so much pressure. I'll be just fine.





Countdown to T-day (Teaching Day, a.k.a. my first real lesson) 13 days.

"Today I reached into a shitter, and saw the inmost part of me. My reflection has looked better, but it has never quite looked clean." - Polar Bear Club

"I came to see the end, but it already began." - Bloodlet