Wait, so why am I here?

I asked myself this question a couple of times today. I am idly pondering what motivations I can chalk up to moving to Tokyo... and coming up not blank, but feeling like I am not properly understanding myself. So much of the American perception of Japan is pop-culture, outdated or complete fiction: There are no ninjas, no giant radioactive monsters, and no dragon balls to be found here. There is a good market for teaching English as a Second language, sure, but I would never move strictly because of a job opportunity. I have always liked to think of myself as above just living for a paycheck, and although I've felt the desire to teach bubble up inside of me over the years, this was not originally on the agenda at all. I don't even think I heard of JET until I entered first entered SUNY Albany, which would have been roughly 3 years ago this month.

Recountable motivations: Career, independence, pop-culture/technology, possible love interests (just to be completely honest).

Did I get what I expected? To an extent, yes. I have the freedom of living on my own for the first time, and not 10 minutes away from my parents' house either - I don't know that I could get much farther away from everything I ever knew without being in Outer Space. I have access to the pop-culture, and I've already amassed a collection of about 15 volumes of various manga at used book stores. I'm hopefully going to walk away from this with an improved understanding of the Japanese language, but of the culture? Well, I don't really know about that. It could be like studying philosophy on a Graduate level, and you would just end up more indecisive and confused after the fact; The idea being that just because you have access to something greater than you does not mean you can even begin to fathom understanding it.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here, I believe I just wanted to capture how I'm feeling right now. Today was my day off, and I went to a show where there were so many people, and so much cigarette smoke in the air, that I had to leave early and miss the last 2 bands. I hate the smell of cigarettes, and the place was so rife with it my eyes burned and my clothes stank afterward. I missed that wonderful smoking ban we have in New York, and the huge, paradoxical movement in the U.S. right now against smoking. In NY, one of the most expensive states in America, cigarettes are now roughly $7.50 a pack. I hear in Australia and England they are up to $10-12 a pack. In Japan? $3. No wonder people smoke like chimneys here, it's cheap and it's the only legal addiction they have besides alcohol and caffeine.

So many things are backwards from what I know that I felt an unquenchable desire for reprieve today. After 10 hours of being awake I felt very tired. I'm going to read a book and just reflect for a while, or keep myself from thinking, that would probably be for the best. I wonder what will become of my love/hate relationship with this country, and nobody knows but those lucky Tralfamadorians in the 4th dimension.